Yes, there are good days and bad days, and yesterday was a particularly bad day. I even wanted to ring Fearless Aunty Julie and see if she could say anything that would make me feel better. I realise now that I am the only one that can make me feel better. I mean yes, Knowledge casts out Fear, but actually as Madalyn said, you have to take action.
I realise too… that i was being a ‘victim’… victim is ok… if you can recognise yourself doing it… it is ok to wallow in your self-pity for a while, but not for too long.. because it simply doesn’t serve you, does it? I heard myself organising for my son to spend the day with friends. I found myself saying to myself.. “so you are going through with it then?” I answered “Well i am just getting organised”… but given the level of commitment and what i have been telling people i realised I had better bloody go through with it…hmmmm…. So today, with a little more time to reflect and some good sleep, i am in a more positive frame of mind even if my tummy is all butterflies because I realise I am now committed. To leave my boy on his own for a day… i had better have something to show for it… i don’t like leaving him on his own for too long. He is 12 but you know.. I like to spend my time with him in preference to scaring myself to death in LIFTs and PLANEs… hell i would spend time with anyone’s kids just to avoid Saturday! That said, my inner dialogue was this: “So… it looks like you definitely going in the control tower eh? Thought you said you don’t do lifts?… ”“Um… well, I have paid $900 for the course.. – need to get value for money hey… can’t be wasteful… ”
“Well I thought you think it’s too much for you to handle right now”
“Yes, but I am focussed on seeing my family, flying, seeing the world, doing my thing, promoting my book.. there is so much I want to do.. i want to travel and bring people to my retreat and to do that i have to write, promote my book, see my family, speak at conventions, be available for people to access me anywhere geographically – if i want to be the change I want for the world – I have a MISSION… this is my mission… to promote healing and give others access to guidance in my written work… to all who cross my path so yeah!!! I have a MISSION Dammit!”
“Well what’s your mission when you are standing in front of the control tower lifts eh?”
“To be brave courageous, and embrace just being with my fear”
“Oh Really?…. won’t tomorrow be interesting then… lol you silly duck!”
“Yeah… too right..”
“Shit… you really gonna go through with it, aren’t you?
“Yeah… too right”
“Hmmmm…..”
“I am…no matter what”
“I see”
“Well?”
“Well if you are serious about this you have obviously made a choice eh?
“Yup, made a choice”
“I see”
“Well?”
“Well if we’re gonna do this… ”
“Yeah?”
“Well if we’re gonna do this .. we better choose HOW we gonna do this right?
“Yeah….we gonna do this.. no compromise there…just do it .. you know like the NIKE ad… feel it.. extreme like you know?”
“K well, if you are gonna do this.. you have two choices… the hard way or the easy way”
“Yes, I know.. i was gonna tell you that… it is my choice to do this the hard way or the easy way”
“Yup… so how you gonna do this?”
“Well.. the hard way is I can give into my automatic thoughts, I can not relax, I can get panicky.. i can allow myself to fall into a state of chaos within…OR I can practice awareness…. feel the panic but be with it… catch the thoughts I can… and reframe, I can clench tight muscles.. and on the out breath I can slow my heart rate and breathing.. it won’t be easy but I know WHAT to do.. I just have to do it and trust it.. aaaahhh TRUST.. there is that big question…. for me.. my life has hinged around trust… now i realise i cannot trust anyone but myself… especially with this …and if I can trust myself.. then I am powerful within and I don’t have to rely on others for trust which is what I have been doing up until now.. i have been lazy.. giving my trust to everyone else except myself and that is why i always have the issues.. (wow this shit really gets deep doesn’t it?)….so i have to use the tools i have learned. Not fight the response, but just be with it.. feel the panic, take each moment by moment, search for tension, release it, breathe it and trust.. maybe even cry from fear but i intend to look fear squarely in the face (who needs drugs when you have to deal with this crap!)…. i embrace my fear, i stand in the face of it and I will be with it until it goes .. and I don’t know who will be left standing, but I intend to have a good run at the wall… ”
“Whoa dude.. that’s full on eh?
“You got it, full on.. there’s no other place to be.. this is it.. Bring it on!” Nikki Ward
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Tatts Group IT Documentation and Training Analyst
07 3637 1445 (LL)
0417 435 029 (Mob)
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Posted by Word Warrior 
Posted by Word Warrior 
Word Warrior