Blog Post
Day 1 Fearless Flyers Course…
It occurred to me when listening to Madalyn the psychologist’s talk that one can get blasé about just what it takes to make the decision to go to Fearless Flyers. Basically the process starts at the point where everything else I tried failed.
1. I tried to hide my fear
2. I tried to distract myself from the fear
3. I tried telling myself I that I was just being soeky and silly
4. I figured everyone else flies, why can’t I?
5. I figured it might go away.
6. I took tranquilisers but they knock my body around and I don’t like the idea of drug dependancy at all especially since I am a massage therapist and am horrified that we take pills to solve our problems.
7. I once stuck a sewing needle in my leg in flight to bring me out of my ‘panic’ mode….
So enough reasons.. nothing I tried worked… and after missing out on all these years of not being able to just get on a plane and go and see my family SA and the UK … and xmas is coming up where I will be on my pat malone… I figured this is nonsense.. that was the moment I took the decision to jump through the eye of the needle instead of sticking it in my leg!
So here I was … sitting in Air Services Australia building with the Fearless Aunties.. Glenda, Julie, Pat … and listening to a psychologist, a pilot and a structural engineer… as the morning progressed I found myself realising that relaxation for me starts with the releasing of muscle tension and then breathing.. up until now, I had always started with the breathing… and that then became a ‘thing to control’… with no muscle tension, it is extremely hard to reach a state of panic… that is what I have control of via my para-sympathetic nervous system (the bits you can control.. to some degree.. your muscles and your breathing).. as opposed to your sympathetic nervous system (your heart beat, your liver doing its thing etc)…
This was a breakthrough for me because I have studied Pranayama Yogic Breathing with my Indian guru, Manish from the Relaxation Centre of Queensland. No reflection on him but I figured I had missed the point of what he was teaching when he first got us to release our muscles and then focus on breathing.. I skipped the clench muscle thing and just go into the breathing thinking that was gonna solve my problems.. so I GOT it finally….
Captain Nik (dreamy Capt. Nik)outlined the rigorous training pilots have to endure before they even make it to sit in the cockpit… it also became apparent to me (only at the end when he showed us a picture of his beautiful wife and gorgeous daughters) did I realise the pilot doesn’t want to crash the plane, he has loved ones he has to return home to as well.. This humanised the pilot for me .. for some reason, over time, I didn’t see how I had put the pilot in the zone of … not human….silly but true darlin’s… when I think about the pilot of the plane I will flying now.. I see his family… and I realise that I am part of the flying family.. he wants to get home to his family as much as I want to get home to mine and that makes us ONE and the same in our intentions .. this is where we are one, we are all connected, inextricably..
The structural engineer from melbourne explained how everything within the aviation industry is ‘controlled’ – from its people to its data to its equipment. Nothing is left to chance. All critical systems have built in redundancy, sometimes up to 3 redundancies for one critical system. It is clear to me that the industry takes itself very seriously and doesn’t allow any room for error. It is quite remarkable how we travel in cars on the ground and we aren’t afraid, yet some of us are terrified of planes…. Nik’s stats showed for 2005 we notched up a road toll of 1636 for the whole of Australia in comparison to 19 for the whole of Australia’s ‘anything and anyone can fly’… parachutists, gliders, planes, you name it…
In spite of the supportive environment, I couldn’t help notice that my buttons were being pressed here and there. My emotional issues surfaced without warning around certain topics.. and the thing that Madalyn also made me realise is that it is worth considering that sitting in a plane for 12 hours or so, you have little choice but to face where your mind is at.. I figured, if I took my mind on a trip and it was me and it on an island.. we would have killed each other by now.. the chatter, the incessant negative thoughts about flying , the fear it gives me around the concept of being in a plane – there is only one solution but to shut it up somehow.. (with a sharp implement of some sort)… Positive reframing of thoughts is the more effective positive way to deal with this and I have had much practice in this area since, I have come out of a 7 year PSTD in 1995… I have had several life experiences since where I have had to stay positive to get through and I have come along way. The plane is now my last frontier, I believe, apart from exploring and getting to know myself better. Here is where I will meet my nemesis.
All day yesterday, I was reacting … it was like the devil was sitting on my left shoulder…
‘You don’t have to go on this trip’
‘you can back out at any time’
‘you know you will have a panic attack up there, then what are you gonna do?’
‘you are so stupid, letting yourself in for another flight of terror – what are you thinking’
‘why are you doing this to us?’
‘you know this isn’t gonna work because you have tried this yourself before and no-one can help you darling, only you can.. and you know you’ve tried and it didn’t work.’
‘If you think you are going to get on that flight, you are dumber than I thought’
‘What makes you think this is gonna be any different?’
‘How are they going to cope with you when you get into that state up there?’
‘you are a sucker for punishment, it is so much easier just staying where you are…’
Gosh, all these thoughts and more, and then the angel on the other shoulder….
‘Damn it.. I am going to fly even if it kills me, I want to see my family, I want to be free, I want to travel anywhere I choose to be, I got things to do, I want to go to Hawaii, India, South Africa, Serbia.. I want to live my life man! I want to taste the cultures, language, experience the people, I have work to do, good work, I want to help out with disaster relief, I want to be the person who brings my healing abilities to those who really really need it and to do that I need to travel God Dammit.. and if I can’t heal myself, what use am I to anyone else?
Yeah… bloody hell.. so here we are Day 2.. I am sitting here with wet hair, wondering if I have to go into the control tower in the lift.. my stomach tightens.. freakin lifts.. lifts don’t have pilots do they? They bloody well should. AND they should have regulators.. we stuff people in lifts like cattle and there is little consideration for how much the passenger enjoys the trip… no-one cares if you get stuck in the box… not only that but they are a huge strain on the environment, sucking electricity to transport one lazy person up two flights of stairs.. decadence… lifts should only be used by people who can’t scale the stairs.. seriously.. I walk 6 flights of stairs on a daily basis.. (only because I am scared to travel in them.. for no other noble or environmental reason but that I don’t like to feel trapped).
All of this stems from being stuck in a lift when I was 4. I was too short to press the button.. and all my life I have been ‘stuck in a lift’.. I did some inner child therapy and walked her out the lift as my 42 year old self.. but she still stays there.. she isn’t out yet.. I want her to come out but it is like she wants to stay there for some reason.. hmmm contemplation needed on this one.. I must discuss with Madalyn… I must contemplate the payoff/benefits of remaining stuck … to see what this is really about…
K I had better end off now if I want to get some brekky before the course…
To infinity and beyond on Wunula Dreaming… I love that plane.. it is soo beautiful… that’s my plane…
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